


No One You Can Save That Can't Be Saved

by AstroGirl



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Angels, Epistolary, Multi, POV Outsider, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:13:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22383892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AstroGirl/pseuds/AstroGirl
Summary: Correspondence from Ilyrophon, Bureau of Earthly Affairs, temporary field agent assigned to gather intelligence on the angel who shall be referred to as "The Traitor" and his confederate, the Serpent of Eden.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), implied OC/OC
Comments: 40
Kudos: 254
Collections: Genprompt Bingo Round 17, Good Omens (Complete works), Outsider Views of Good Omens





	No One You Can Save That Can't Be Saved

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Gen Prompt Bingo, for the prompt "Outsider POV." Rated Teen for some fairly mild sexual content. Title is, of course, courtesy of the Beatles. All together now!

**To: Inumiel, Bureau of Earthly Affairs, monitoring and records department  
From: Ilyrophon, Bureau of Earthly Affairs, temporary field agent**

Greetings from Earth! And blessings of the Almighty be upon you.

And I'm not just saying that, Inumiel. Thank you again, so much, for offering to clean up these reports and put them into the format Gabriel wants. I know you think I can't possibly be as bad at writing them as I think, but I fear you are very much about to discover otherwise.

Besides, going through you instead of submitting directly to Gabriel's office means that I can put in some details that may be of interest to you, but not to him. I know you were curious about what things are like on Earth, and that I wasn't very good about describing my previous brief visits for you. So I'll try to do a little better this time.

The truth is, I'd forgotten how overwhelming the world can be, on a sensory level, especially when you're experiencing it from inside a body. There are so many _colors_! And I keep feeling these odd sensations. Not _bad_ sensations, really, but distracting. I'll find myself thinking, What was that? What just touched me? And then I'll realize it was only the movement of air against my face. I'm not used to air, never mind the idea of it _moving_.

But, really, this place is all movement. More than the last time I was here, even. There were dusty streets then, filled with humans and animals, and they seemed to me teeming with activity, so much faster and more energetic than anything you ever get in Heaven. But that was nothing compared to the rush of all these self-propelled vehicles they have now. They're _fast_. Which I suppose makes a certain amount of sense. Humans' lives are so short, of course they're always in a hurry, the poor things. Not something you really think about very much, is it? But it's hard not to, on Earth. (Especially when you almost get knocked down and discorporated by one of their vehicles not ten minutes after you arrive. But let's not dwell on that too much. Well, not unless Accounting challenges me for that little flurry of blessings I did. Which I really hope they don't. That human who grabbed me saved me a _lot_ of embarrassment and paperwork, so it seemed like the righteous and holy thing to do, but I don't want to have to go before Accounting to make the argument.)

I had hoped the bad smells from all the animals would be gone by now, and it seems that they are, but they've just been replaced with different bad smells, which I think come from these new vehicles. Oh, well. I'm sure I'll get used to it. I just wish I could properly describe physical smells to you, Inumiel. But there's nothing like them in Heaven at all, so it's hard to know what to compare them to. It would be so much easier if you could come down here and see for yourself. I wish you could.

Anyway, on to the actual report part of my report. (And I really hope you can find _some_ way to make this seem official and readable. But if anyone can, I have no doubt that it's you.) 

I have located the Traitor. It wasn't at all difficult. He was right where his base of operations was reported to be, in the building full of physical book-objects, in the city currently known as London. He doesn't seem to have taken any measures to hide himself at all.

My own hiding measures seem to be working all right, as I followed him around for a little while and I don't believe he noticed me at all. So please thank Hanaphael in the field agency office for me, and tell them I'm sorry I doubted them, and also that I'm following their advice and trying to be discreet and not push the camouflaging miracle too far.

I have to be honest, here. (Not that I would ever be anything else, of course!) The Traitor was _not_ what I was expecting. From the way everyone was talking, I expected him to be, I don't know, _tainted_ somehow. By Hell or by humanity or by his own sin, or _something_. But he just looks like an angel. Not even an imposing or fearsome angel, like most of Michael's warriors. He looks like he belongs in the records department.

He _does_ seem to like the humans, though. I saw him talking to several of them, smiling at them and doing little blessings. (Does _he_ have to deal with the Accounting department, I wonder? Or is being free of that particular ordeal part of the temptation to turn traitor?) Anyway, given that he was originally put here to watch over them, at least as part of his job, that didn't seem particularly rebellious.

He also purchased some liquid and foodstuffs from the humans. I've heard he has a gluttonous addiction to such things, but I haven't yet seen him consume any. He took it all back to his building, and he's been in there ever since. As far as I can see from some careful observing through the window, I believe he is in there reading. I wonder what he finds so interesting in all those human books? It isn't as if they have any knowledge we don't, is it?

Anyway. That's all I have so far. I hope there's something here you can work with. I'll send another message tomorrow. Hopefully there will be more to report.

**To: Inumiel, Bureau of Earthly Affairs, monitoring and records department**  
**From: Ilyrophon, Bureau of Earthly Affairs, temporary field agent**

Your cleaned-up version looks _perfect_. I'm especially impressed by how many of Gabriel's favorite buzzwords you managed to work in! I could never, ever have done that good a job of it, myself. You, truly, are an exemplar of angelic kindness. I cannot tell you how much your help means to me. And if this – hopefully successful! – assignment wins me any influence points with Gabriel at all, I promise, I will use them to suggest to him that you be assigned the next time we need someone down here, if that's what you want. I think there's a good argument to be made that your experience in Records would be relevant. Who knows? Maybe we could even come down together. That might be interesting!

But back to the current mission. I'm pleased to report that I can now answer one of Gabriel's questions. Well, at least partially, anyway. He wanted to know whether the traitor was still in contact with the Serpent of Eden, and whether they appeared to be conspiring together.

The answer to that first part is a very definite _yes_. They are most certainly in contact, although I don't know if "conspiring" is quite the right word for what they're doing.

The Serpent came to the Traitor's building today, and was greeted with what appeared to be much gladness. They then went to a nearby eating-place and consumed a great many material foodstuffs, as well as what looked to me like a considerable amount of the intoxicating liquids the humans are so fond of.

Actually, mostly the Traitor ate the foodstuffs, and the Serpent watched him and drank. Which surprised me a little. Aren't demons supposed to be the self-indulgent ones? I must say, the Traitor seems to _very_ much enjoy his foodstuffs. I think I may have to try some, myself, just to see if I can figure out what the appeal is. Anything that helps me understand the target and his mindset better is bound to be useful, right?

Needless to say, I stayed nearby, still very carefully discreet, and listened in on their conversation. Unfortunately, they were _not_ discussing anything useful to Heaven. No gleeful chuckling over the details of how they were able to withstand the punishments of hellfire and holy water, I'm afraid, and no nefarious plotting against Heaven.

Here is a list of things I heard them talking about:

1) What does or doesn't qualify as a "bear," with much debate about whether pandas and koalas qualify. They both seemed extremely confused about the concept of marsupials. Clearly neither of them spent any time working on Animal Creation, back in the day. (Well, all right, technically neither did I, but I processed enough of their paperwork to know that a koala is not remotely a bear, no matter what Adam or anyone else might have named it.)

2) The nature and quality of the foodstuffs. This was mostly the Traitor, but the Serpent seemed quite interested in listening to him, and in watching him consume the matter.

3) The human entertainment they were planning to attend later, whether it would or would not be as entertaining as advertised, and how it might or might not compare to various other entertainments they had seen. This was interesting, because the previous entertainments they discussed seem to have taken place at many different points in human history, and at least one of them was explicitly referred to as having been several millennia ago. So it seems their association goes back even further than we'd thought. I'm not sure what to do with this information, to be honest. It's a bit shocking, isn't it? Was he collaborating with Hell all that time? Did the demon really corrupt him that quickly? And how could Heaven not have _known_? 

Those are the subjects I understood. There was a lot more that didn't make a great deal of sense to me, either because I haven't spent much time on Earth, or because it was filled with references to a shared history I have no idea about. Or maybe just because it didn't actually make any sense. They _were_ drinking quite a lot of those intoxicants.

By the way, I just realized I haven't said so yet, but the Serpent of Eden is not what I was expecting, either. I expected him to feel more... Well, it's going to sound stupid, but I expected him to feel more _demonic_. And probably to _look_ more demonic, too. But he was very clean, and while he still had that faint metaphysical whiff of sulfur they all have, I could easily have mistaken him for human if I wasn't paying attention. I haven't met very many demons in person – and I know you haven't met any, at least not since before they were demons – but they tend to have this aura of corruption and cruelty about them, and he didn't really seem to have that. I suppose it makes sense that the great tempters – and he surely is the greatest tempter of them all – are able to keep that in check, the better to appeal to the humans they seduce from the path of righteousness. But even given that, I'd expected him to be, I don't know. Slimier. And, yes, I know snakes aren't actually slimy. I learned that processing Animal Creation paperwork, too. Metaphorically slimy, I mean. But while there was a certain sharpness and cynicism to his speech, it never did feel slimy, or even insincere.

Oddly, what the Serpent of Eden most seemed to be was _happy_. Genuinely, simply happy. I didn't know that was possible for demons, cut off as they are from the light and love of the Almighty. Or from the hope of being once again bathed in the light and love of the Almighty, which both angels and humans have, even in these late days. Maybe he's pretending. Maybe he's just that good. Maybe the Traitor has fallen for it, and is to be pitied rather than condemned. Part of me would very much like to think so. But I don't know. I really don't.

Anyway. After consuming the foodstuffs, which, by Earth standards, took some considerable time, they went to their entertainment. After which they returned to the Traitor's base of operation. Outside the door, they stopped and pressed their bodies' mouths together. You'll probably laugh at me, after all those amusing stories we've both heard about what the humans get up to, but it took me a moment to realize what they were doing. This sort of human kissing, when you observe it firsthand, seems so different from a kiss of blessing or one of greeting that it feels ridiculous to even use the same word for it.

I'm going to leave it to Gabriel, or whoever, to figure out what it means, that the Traitor goes around human-kissing demons. I can't quite seem to wrap my head around it, myself.

After the kissing they both went into the book building, and didn't come out again until well after the sun had risen. They went to another eating place, consumed more foodstuff and liquid, and did the kissing thing again. Then the demon left, and the Traitor unlocked his door to allow humans inside, although very few of them seemed to bother entering. He seemed to be in a very good mood, as if the depths of his treason and the derailing of the Great Plan were troubling him not at all.

**To: Inumiel, Bureau of Earthly Affairs, monitoring and records department**  
**From: Ilyrophon, Bureau of Earthly Affairs, temporary field agent**

I don't know what else to tell you about it, Inumiel. They stood there and pressed their mouths together for a while, maybe moved them a bit. They seemed to enjoy it. I've never done it myself, obviously, so I couldn't tell you what it's like. It was kind of weird to watch, I can tell you that.

I _did_ , however, finally try the foodstuffs, and... Well, I can see what the Traitor sees in it. There's such a... a _vividness_ to being able to taste with a human tongue. That's the only way I can think of to explain it. I actually found myself thinking that I was glad that Earth hadn't ended before I got the chance to experience it. Don't tell Gabriel. (I know, I know, as if you would!) I feel a bit guilty for thinking it.

I'm afraid I don't have much to report, though. That's why it's taken me a few days to send this. I kept thinking maybe I'd get lucky and learn something useful, but I haven't. The Traitor continues to keep company with the demon, and they continue not do to anything that looks remotely like plotting. They consume foodstuffs and intoxicants in various locales. They attend entertainments. They walk idly together through parks. (Those are open spaces inside the city, so that the inhabitants can experience a little of God's creation, and not only Man's.) Once they sat on the ground in the park and consumed their foodstuffs that way, which they seemed to think was great fun, for reasons that escape me. They spend some time in the book building, and some in the Serpent's dwelling place, which sounds like it ought to be a sinister cave or something, but it's just a regular human accommodation, in one of their large buildings.

I'm beginning to think this is all they really want to do. Just hang out together and... pretend to be human, maybe.

You do have to wonder why anyone would be willing leave Heaven for that! Although the food is certainly a point in favor. I'm going to have to try out more of it while I'm here.

**To: Inumiel, Bureau of Earthly Affairs, monitoring and records department**  
**From: Ilyrophon, Bureau of Earthly Affairs, temporary field agent**

Sorry it's taken me a while to get back to you again. For some time there, it was mostly just day after day of essentially the same thing. I did eavesdrop on more of their conversations, and found them interesting, but I don't think most of it was anything worth reporting on. I am able to confirm that they've been fraternizing in some fashion or other basically from the beginning, and that they've been working together for at least the last few centuries. But the details, while I've found them interesting, haven't been particularly enlightening. There was some mention of them doing blessings and temptations for each other, which is bizarre and a little disturbing, but I don't think it constitutes planning to sabotage the Great Plan, and it certainly doesn't shed any light on why their executions failed. And, you know, it's funny. I'd almost forgotten Heaven had tried to execute Aziraphale. Watching him as I have been, even given how close he clearly is to the Serpent of Eden, it's hard to imagine him doing anything execution-worthy. Or anyone looking at him and wanting him dead. I have to consciously remind myself, sometimes, what it is that he did, and why I'm here.

It's far too easy to forget that. Especially watching him with the Serpent. They seem so affectionate. I keep imagining I can feel love rolling off of them. Ridiculous, right? Angels don't feel _that_ kind of love, and certainly not for demons. And demons don't love at all, do they?

Perhaps I'm just a little lonely. Longing for Heaven and the presence of my fellow angels.

Well, maybe only the company, rather than Heaven itself. I'm still finding it interesting here. I still wish I could share the food with you. I'd bring some up for you when I come, but without a body, I'm not sure you could properly enjoy it.

**To: Inumiel, Bureau of Earthly Affairs, monitoring and records department**  
**From: Ilyrophon, Bureau of Earthly Affairs, temporary field agent**

Yeah, the message from Gabriel came through loud and clear. Don't feel too bad about it. He's not actually wrong. I haven't been terribly useful so far. In fact, I'd about come to the same conclusion, myself. Just following them around wasn't really getting us very far.

So I decided to try something else. I waited until he and the Serpent were out at one of their concerts, and I broke into Aziraphale's bookshop. It wasn't difficult. All I had to do was miracle the lock open. It was only meant to keep out humans, after all.

I searched the place fairly thoroughly. But I'm afraid it was useless. No file folders labeled "Evil Plans to Defy Heaven" or papers featuring instructions on how to make yourself immune to hellfire. Just a comfortable little interior space, and a lot of human writing.

And I do mean a _lot_ of human writing. I tried sampling some of it, thinking maybe there's something here that might explain things, some indication of what's been influencing the Traitor's thinking. 

I don't know that any of it provided any usable insights, but it _was_ interesting. The humans really, really love their stories. They tell so many of them! And put so much of their being into them. I really had no idea. They also have some very entertaining ideas about Heaven and Hell. I suspect Aziraphale keeps a lot of these writings just for their amusement value.

I admit – to you, of course, and _not_ to Gabriel! – that I got rather caught up in it. In fact, I ended up losing track of the time, and I fear I very nearly got caught. Fortunately they were talking loudly outside the shop – some kind of good-natured argument about music, I think, and about Crowley's vehicle-driving – so I was alerted that they'd returned and was able to get out without being seen. At least, I'm pretty sure I was.

**To: Inumiel, Bureau of Earthly Affairs, monitoring and records department**  
**From: Ilyrophon, Bureau of Earthly Affairs, temporary field agent**

Oh, Inumiel, your concern for the well-being of a fellow angel does you credit, but, really, you don't need to worry so much. I _am_ being careful. I didn't get caught, did I? And even if I did get caught, I don't think I'm in any real danger. Whatever else Aziraphale might or might not be, he hardly seems violent. And even the demon doesn't seem like the smiting-with-hellfire type. I know, I know, I didn't think there was any other type of demon, either. But, Inumiel... Yesterday, I saw him give an ice cream cone – an especially delicious sort of foodstuff – to a small child who'd dropped hers. Admittedly, he'd stolen it, but still. And he did call the child a rude name, but he did it in a way that made her laugh. You should have seen the way Aziraphale _smiled_ at him after that.

The longer I spend here, the more I think this mission might be pointless. We may never learn how they acquired their immunities, but maybe we should never have been in a position to find out. Maybe what happened is the Almighty trying to tell us that executing them was the wrong thing to do.

Maybe we should just leave them alone. I think that being left alone may, in fact, be the only thing they want.

**To: Inumiel, Bureau of Earthly Affairs, monitoring and records department**  
**From: Ilyrophon, Bureau of Earthly Affairs, temporary field agent**

Don't worry. I'm continuing to do my job. I am loyal to Heaven. And I would certainly never put you in the position of having helped a disobedient angel. That would be a terribly poor way of repaying all you've done for me, and all your company has meant to me. I do hope you know that.

As requested, I've gone back to surveillance, with a more aggressive approach. The results have been... interesting.

Last night, I was able to watch them, a little, through a window of Crowley's flat. It's fairly high up, so I had to expand myself out of the body a little and deploy some extra eyes. I'm afraid I may have unsettled some passing humans. The old "Be not afraid!" approach really does seem to have the opposite effect from the one intended. Not that it matters, anyway. I made sure they won't remember. See? I'm being careful!

So, I was watching them through the window, and the first thing I saw was that they'd removed their clothes. I thought at first that perhaps they were going to bathe. (If you ever come down to Earth, Inumiel, you should try bathing. I know it sounds stupid, since angels are inherently pristine and there's no need to cleanse the already cleanly. But it feels very nice, letting hot, scented water surround your naked corporation. I'm glad I tried it.)

But, well. They were _not_ bathing. Inumiel. They were _mating_. Yes, like the beasts of the Earth! Or like humans, I suppose. 

It's weird. I knew, theoretically, that that was a thing angels could do, if we made enough of an effort. But I never thought it was _a thing angels could actually do_. If that makes any sense. And with a demon?! You'd think he would burn up or something.

Maybe this is the reason they found a way to make themselves immune to hellishness and holiness. So they could do this together. Or maybe that's backwards. Maybe doing this is how they developed the immunities. Oh, Lord. I _hope_ not. Can you imagine Gabriel's reaction to learning that the secret to gaining that ability is to _mate with a demon_? To knowing that the answer exists, and is utterly simple, and that we in Heaven could never, ever make use of it? 

Maybe we should keep this between ourselves for now, Inumiel, until I can find out more. Gabriel has been known to blame the messenger, after all.

I am right, yes? That employing that as a strategy is just... unthinkable. Perverse. Not to mention counter-productive, since for every angel that gained immunity, a demon would have to, as well. Unless you had one demon mating with all the angels, I suppose. 

This gets more troubling the more I think about it. It's all pretty disgusting.

At least.... I think it's disgusting. 

I don't know. 

It didn't _look_ disgusting. Not for them. It looked... blissful. It looked like the kind of bliss I haven't experienced since the last time the Almighty shone the light of Her love upon me. That's probably blasphemous, isn't it? I'm sorry. I don't mean to be blasphemous. Maybe I've been down here a little too long. Maybe this is what spending time on Earth does to you. Maybe six thousand years here explains everything there is to explain about Aziraphale. Six thousand years, and the presence of someone who can bring that look of bliss to your face.

I suppose we do have to tell Gabriel. Just... use your judgment, about what to leave in and what to take out. I trust you. Always.

**To: Inumiel, Bureau of Earthly Affairs, monitoring and records department**  
**From: Ilyrophon, Bureau of Earthly Affairs, temporary field agent**

Saw a demon sneaking around. I think he's spying on them, too. He took off when he saw me, though.

Gabriel should probably know. It might suggest that Hell doesn't know what to make of them, any more than we do. Although maybe we already knew that.

I found myself wondering, looking at the demon, what it would be like to mate with him. I didn't like the thought. If I were going to do something that intimate, I'd want it to be with someone sweeter. Someone kind. Someone I liked and trusted.

Don't mind me. I'm rambling.

**To: Inumiel, Bureau of Earthly Affairs, monitoring and records department**  
**From: Ilyrophon, Bureau of Earthly Affairs, temporary field agent**

They're mating regularly, now. Maybe they were all along, and I just wasn't spying on them hard enough to notice. I don't know.

I'm pretty sure I wasn't imagining the love I felt from them, after all. Seriously, who would have thought?

I got very bored yesterday, while they were cuddled up in Crowley's bed, doing nothing but being together. I tried manifesting some genitals, just to see what it was like. Inumiel, you would have laughed. I kept dismissing them and remaking them, unsure whether I was doing it right, unsure what kind I was supposed to have or what to do with them. 

I wish you could have been there. You were always so much cleverer than I. I bet you would have known what to do.

**To: Inumiel, Bureau of Earthly Affairs, monitoring and records department**  
**From: Ilyrophon, Bureau of Earthly Affairs, temporary field agent**

Yes, I got Gabriel's message. Don't worry. I can handle him. It would have been a lot worse, you know, if you hadn't worded all those reports so well. You made the whole mission sound like much less of a failure than it was. Well, than it was by Gabriel's standards, anyway. It wasn't a failure for me. I'd be sorry to be coming back, if I weren't looking forward so much to seeing you again. If you hadn't said how much you were looking forward to seeing me.

I am bringing a gift back for you. A souvenir of Earth, I suppose. Humans do that, you know. They go places, and bring back reminders of those places, for themselves and for those who had to stay behind. It's a loving tradition, I think, the giving of gifts. Earth is a much more loving place than we in Heaven give it credit for. I'm glad it's still here. I don't think I even care if Gabriel knows it.

It's a book of human love poems. Aziraphale gave it to me. He just walked right up to me, where I thought I was hidden, outside his shop, and gave it to me.

Inumiel, he never parts with books, if he can help it. I've seen him chasing humans out of his shop for trying to purchase them.

I think he's known I was here for a while. I think he's intercepted some of our messages.

"This is for you," he said. "Or for or your friend." And then he said... Well. He said quite a few things, some of which I think I'd like to tell you about in person.

But he told me to tell Gabriel this: Love is the most important thing in the universe. Love created the world, and love is what saved it, and if Heaven wants to know their secret, that's all it is. Love, and the courage to know and embrace it. That's all the answer Heaven's ever getting, and it should be all the answer it needs, so if you, Gabriel, could kindly bugger off now and leave them and their humans in peace, they would very much appreciate it, thank you.

That's pretty close to a direct quote.

I'll be home very soon, Inumiel. I think I may just make one more stop before I go, pick up one more gift. Because I'd very much like to bring you some Earthly food. Maybe some fruit.

Bodies or no bodies, we can figure out what to do with it together.


End file.
